well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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