An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
