miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
