You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
