I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize