we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
