I wish I could punch you in the face.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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