Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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