So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize