i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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