At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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