we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
