It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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