God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
