My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
