My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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