just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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