Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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