Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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