I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
