my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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