haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
