Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Buhtt sex?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize