SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
