Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My pussy is not your playground.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
