dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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