Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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