my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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