I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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