Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
