Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
