in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
