one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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