why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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