one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
