I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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