How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
