it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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