The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
