I think I won the penis lottery.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
