No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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