i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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