She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
