I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
