In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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