If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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