I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
