wrigley field is MILF paradise
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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