my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
