after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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