You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
