we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
