Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
