There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
