dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
