i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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