checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize